I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
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ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
The honesty is refreshing
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.