CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
You Might Also Like
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am