9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
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One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?