When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
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[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Good advice.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?