Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
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Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.