Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
You Might Also Like
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.