OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
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I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.