I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
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I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat