The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
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This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..