Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
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Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Always a metermaid never a meter
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice