ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
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One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Spring of Deception
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.