“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
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Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Whoa 😂
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
constantly working on myself.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.