A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
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My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”