me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
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there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Who wants to be my Valentine?
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.