haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
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[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me