GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
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Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
PLOT TWIST:
Venn
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
That’s not how days work.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights