“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
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I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.