I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
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If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry