Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
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Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand