Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
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My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Found the job I’m suited for
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
some things should go without saying
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”