life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
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I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon