My last name is Zilla.
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in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
my name if I was in the mob
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do