“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
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[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Damn what did I do next
choose your fighter
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*