Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
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Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
😍😂🥰😂😍
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉