Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
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*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.