ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
You Might Also Like
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…