Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
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Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Finished stitching this today 😇
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.