INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
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[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I was just discussing this with my cat
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?