The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
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Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
😂😂😂
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.