It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
You Might Also Like
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.