[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
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Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law