glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
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blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
bout dat hot dog summer
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers