When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
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You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
*me flirting
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
LMAO
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*