I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
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When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Every photo I’m tagged in
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.