3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
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I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
when revenge coincides with naptime
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!