No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
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[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Admin smashed it 😂