Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
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6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
this chia pet tastes awful
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]