-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
You Might Also Like
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire