Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
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GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”