[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
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Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
My work here is don’t.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer