Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
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I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Plumber: I think I found the problem
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
This is always good for a laugh.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.