It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
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If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Gods work.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Oh thanks BBC.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie