Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
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MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….