*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
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me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.