The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
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I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free