When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
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Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
waiting for halloween be like:
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline