Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
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[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Blew my mind.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Me trying to reach for my goals
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug