Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
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impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”