Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
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I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
asked my bf how work was today