Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
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7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.